Infertility Wars
by Happy Feet
Summary: An infertile couple that House sees in the clinic are out to get him fired. A lot of other madness ensues when someone ransacks House’s office, Wilson falls in love, and a few things from House's past creep into the now.
1. Using The Term Loosely

**Infertility Wars**

Summary: After House does what he does best, an infertile couple that he sees in the clinic are out to get him fired. A lot of other madness ensues when House's office gets ransacked, Wilson falls in love, someone gets a new, impressive haircut, and the past comes back in the form of a lawyer to bite House in the ass. And, as if that wasn't enough, a woman who _dated_ House in high school is put in the hospital, and it's up to him and his team to figure out what's wrong with her. What's adoctor to do?

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. (It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's.) But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

x x x x x

Chapter One

_Using The Term Loosely_

x x x x x

"We just can't seem to get pregnant."

House blankly stared at the woman. She was decent looking. Had a high forehead, short black hair, brown eyes, and not too skinny or too fat. He pursed his lips and looked down at the file he held in his hand.

God how he hated working in the clinic.

"Well, I know for a fact that _he_ can't get pregnant." House pointed at the husband, then acted like he was scribbling something in the file. The woman's husband lifted his head, trying to see what House was writing. "But you were using the term 'we' rather loosely, I'm sure."

"Well, I've had children before from a previous marr-"

"How old were you when you had these _previous_ children?" House closed the file, stood up and limped to the sink.

"In my early thirties, but-"

"And now you're... what was it?" House opened the file again, squinting his eyes for dramatic effect. "Oh, yeah... forty-five."

"What does that have anything to do with us?"

"The husband speaketh!" House's eyes widened in mock surprise. "Again, I'm thinking you're using the term 'us' loosely. It has everything to do with her. Women over thirty-five are more infertile than women under thirty-five."

"So, it's not me?" The husband asked incredulously.

"Why? Think it might be? Sperm not feeling up to par recently?" House mused. "Look, if you both are so shocked by what all I'm saying, then you haven't even used your natural resources at home."

They both looked at House like he had ten heads.

House rolled his eyes. "Jesus. I'm surprised you haven't Googled the crap out of infertility." He started towards the door. "My advice... research and then if you still can't get it into your head how hard it is to conceive at your age, go to a Fertility Clinic."

"But-"

"Look, at forty-five your chances are slim and fertility treatments are rarely effective. Besides, you have a 50 percent chance of a miscarriage at your age anyway. If you really want to be useful, go adopt." With that, House left Exam Room Three, slamming the door behind him.

He made his way to the counter and looked at the nurse. "Why do I always get the stupid patients?"

"Just lucky, I guess." The nurse deadpanned. House couldn't help but give a half smile. He liked this nurse.

"House!"

House whirled around quickly. It was Wilson. "I didn't do it. It was Dr. Mandolin on the fourth floor with the scalpel."

"Ha, ha." Wilson shook his head. "Is your pager not working?"

"Nope."

"Why?"

"I'd say sabotage, but then Chase's pet kangaroo would get trouble. And, I wouldn't want that to happen."

"Be serious." Wilson watched as a man and a woman were approaching House from behind.

"Dr. House?" The woman looked like she had just been crying.

House rolled his eyes and turned around. "Yes?"

"You're a real jackass."

House's eyes lit up as he turned back to face Wilson. "Hear that? I'm a jackass."

"You have no right being a doctor. You'll hear from us again," she continued.

"You're right. Make sure to tell my boss that I should never work in the clinic again. That'll teach me." House shrugged and then started limping away.

Wilson followed him, but not before noticing the shocked face on the woman and, who he supposed, was her husband. He couldn't help but smile. He was sure House had helped them, just not in the way that they wanted to be helped. Patients usually hated House, until they actually thought about what he said.

"Look, Cuddy wants to see you." Wilson called after his friend.

"That's a surprise."

"Now, House."

"Okay, I'm goin'." House replied as he jabbed at the button in the elevator. "What floor is she on?"

Wilson rolled his eyes.

x x x x x

House pushed open the door into Dr. Lisa Cuddy's office. There was another woman in the office. She was pretty, too. She looked like a younger, more hip version of Cuddy with straight hair.

Both of them looked up at him as he made his way to Cuddy's desk.

"House," Cuddy sighed. "Can you wait outside for ten seconds?"

"Nope."

"I'm sorry, Diana," Cuddy stood up and walked around her desk. "He was raised by wolves and doesn't have any manners. This is Dr. Gregory House. House, this is Dr. Diana Drew."

"It's nice to meet you, Dr. House." Drew stood up and held out her hand. House just stared at it.

_She's new_, Cuddy mouthed so Drew couldn't hear, thus practically urging him to shake her hand.

But, he didn't want to. And, if she was smart enough Drew'd get the picture.

"Any relation to Nancy?" House gave her a quizzical look.

Dr. Drew put her hand down and laughed. At him. She was laughing. Hell, he didn't think it was a funny question. Maybe she dyed her hair brown to get away from all the Legally-Blonde-Wants-To-Be-A-Doctor jokes.

"I've heard a lot of things about you Dr. House." Drew didn't seem the slight bit miffed by him not taking her hand, or by him practically calling her Nancy Drew's long-lost cousin. "But, I never heard that you were a comedian."

"Can only put so many things on one resume." House's eyes widened. She was interesting and not who he had expected her to be.

"I hear ya," she said with, what House realized, was a southern accent.

"Right," Cuddy interrupted. House could tell she was trying so hard not to yell at him in front of the newbie. "Thank you, Diana for coming to talk with me."

"Oh, no problem."

"I'm sure Dr. Snowden is waiting for your return." Cuddy and Drew walked to the door together. The two exchanged a few more words that House didn't care to listen to and then Dr. Diana Drew was gone.

"She was flirting with me. Did you see that?" House pointed his cane in the general direction that Dr. Drew had gone.

Cuddy crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow at him. "You've probably just scared the only pediatrician who applied for the opening here, don't you think you've done enough for one day?"

House ignored her remark. "I didn't know Dr. Snowden still worked here. Geez. He's like 178 by now, isn't he?"

"He's only one year older than you," Cuddy gave House one of those Yes-I-Can-Be-Evil smiles. "What do you want House?"

House continued to ignore her, waiting on her to tell him why he was paged.

"House!"

"What?"

"Just spill it, already. I have an urgent meeting I need to go to."

"You asked me to come up here." House answered, rather perturbed.

"I most certainly did not. Any day where I can go without seeing you, is a good one."

"That hurts my feelings."

There was a pause as Cuddy just stared at him.

"You mean, you really didn't page me?"

"Did your beeper do what beepers do?"

"What?"

"Did it go _beep_, then say come to my office?"

"No, but Wilson - aha!"

House shook his head. He had played right into Wilson's hands. He wanted to keep him away for a little while and if it had anything to do with balloons and gifts, then Wilson was in big trouble. House would find a gun, then find Wilson, and the two would meet in a battle to end all worlds. Or something like that.

"Are we finished now?"

"No, I can't work in the clinic tomorrow." House ventured. What the hell, right?

"Really?" Cuddy sighed.

"Yes. Me and Wolverine have a date."

"What?"

"X-Men. It comes out tomorrow. I'm going to be there, dressed in my best Magneto costume. Wanna come? You could be that blue mutant with no clothes on."

"You're not serious."

"Okay, fine. Go as Storm, but I'm still Magneto. He's got that really cool hat."

"You're not getting out of clinic duty tomorrow. I have a whopping total of two doctors there tomorrow from 2 to 6 and you're one of those two."

"Hire more doctors."

"I just did."

"Get Nancy to cover for me, then."

"Dr. Drew is the other half already. I was trying to help you by hiring her this week instead of next week. Because when you're working clinic, she'll be the only other one working the same hours as you for the next two weeks."

"What happened?" House loved some good juicy gossip.

"Vacation, nobody wants to work with you, I'm out to make your life miserable, the world's unfair... take your pick." Cuddy started walking towards the door.

"X-Men is more important. I won't be there tomorrow."

Cuddy turned around, a look of immense dislike in her eyes. "If you're not there tomorrow... I'll double your hours in the clinic per week for every minute you're late. I'm serious, too, House. Now, I really have to go." And with that she was out of her office and already walking down the hall.

"Damn." House blinked. "Must be PMS."

x x x x x

_After Thoughts_: You know the rules. Read, watch _My Fair Lady_, and/or review. Whatever tickles you in your happy place, tickles me. Just let me know which one you did first, okay?

Look forward to Chapter Two entitled:

_Trashed_


	2. Trashed

Infertility Wars

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

x x x x x

Chapter Two

Trashed

x x x x x

Wilson was tapping the desk like a man possessed. It would have been a natural thing, but there was one problem. It wasn't his desk.

It was House's.

And, it really wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that House's desk was in complete disarray. But, if anyone thought that the desk looked bad, then they were oblivious as to what the entire office looked like.

Wilson could have sworn on his life that a mini tornado had wreaked its mini havoc in House's office. Well, not _his_ life. Maybe his ex-wife's life. Yeah.

"Wilson!"

Wilson blinked. "Yeah?"

Robert Chase waved his hand in front of Wilson. "You're supposed to be helping. You're not."

"Sorry."

"It's okay-" Allison Cameron started.

"No, it's not." Eric Foreman interrupted, slamming a large trash bag down. "And when House sees this, he's going to kill us."

"We didn't do it though," sighed Cameron, as she looked up at Foreman.

"Yeah, but he'll think we did if we don't fix it."

"Well, we do look like a guilty party." Chase shrugged as he looked over another piece of paper. He had been trying to decide which papers went where, Cameron was pulling trash from underneath every piece of furniture, Foreman was bagging all of the random things, and Wilson - well, he hadn't been all that helpful - he had been tapping, driving everyone completely insane. "I swear, I don't get paid enough to -- Wilson! Jesus! Stop tapping!"

Wilson blinked again. He looked down at his fingers, slowly tapping on the desk. His gaze went back to the three people in the room staring at him. Shrugging, and giving a half-smile, he started straightening the shelves.

"Son of a bitch," muttered Foreman as he pulled another bag from the roll. "How are we even supposed to know what he wants to keep and what's really trash?"

"Trash?"

They all stared up at House, who seemed to be slightly amused. There was no sound, no explanations, no nothing. Just staring. It was the kind of quiet where people hear a pin drop. That deadly sort of quiet. And any other quiet analogies you can think of - it was _that_ quiet.

House looked around his office, taking in the sight. It was rather funny. Cameron on her knees at his desk, Foreman with a large trash bag in his hands, Chase with a butt-load of papers, and Wilson. Well, Wilson was just standing at his bookshelf.

"So, which one of you-"

"None of us!" Piped Wilson, defensively.

House arched an eyebrow. "Can I finish? Which one of you," he took a step forward, then pointed his cane around the room, "found it like this?"

Cameron stood up and raised her hand.

"What time?" House limped towards her.

"This morning."

"And you told Wilson-"

"Of course-"

"I wasn't finished." House huffed impatiently. "You told Wilson, who knew where I would be. He, then, went to the clinic, where he knew I would be. He, then, lied to me."

Wilson snorted.

"And I went to see Cuddy because I'm a good boy and always do as I'm told."

This time, Foreman snorted.

"While I was there, I realized that the entire ordeal was a setup."

Again, the room was quiet.

"I'm finished now." House's eyes lit up, as if he remembered something, and he limped to his desk. He rummaged around and pulled his yo-yo from a pile of papers. Looking back up, House sighed.

"I hope you didn't embarrass yourself." Wilson said.

"Who? Me? Never." House fixed the string around his finger and started yo-yoing. "Only after I'd been there for five minutes did I realize that I'd been had. You're getting good at that lying bit, you know?"

"Well, this is obviously all your fault," said Foreman. "You did something to deserve all of this."

"Yeah, whatever. What else is new?" House flipped the yo-yo in Foreman's general direction. Foreman's head jerked back quickly as the yo-yo came only inches from his face.

"That's not-" Foreman started.

"Oh, shut up." House rolled his eyes. "It didn't hit you. Baby."

"Hey!"

"Guys!" Cameron held up her hands, as if she were a referee. Foreman's nostrils flared, but he backed down, while House sighed and placed his yo-yo on the one clean spot on his desk.

"So, what are we going to do?" Chase crossed his arms and sat on the corner of House's desk.

"First, you are going to get your Steve Irwin ass off my desk."

Chase rolled his eyes, but moved anyway.

"And, what's all this 'we' stuff? I thought you all had it under control. Don't let me keep you." House started towards the door. "If you guys find my GameBoy, page me okay?"

"We're not cleaning this up!" Wilson practically yelled.

House turned around. "Well, you were a second ago. What changed?"

Wilson shook his head. God, House could be so difficult at times. "We were hoping you wouldn't find out, now the situation has changed. We're not going to be your lapdogs."

"Damn, I even had some cutesy puppy names for all of you."

"Look, sorry for lying. We just didn't want you to freak out and-"

"What? Beat you? Maim you?" House twirled his cane. He always thought he looked cool when he did that.

"In so many words," nodded Foreman. "Yes."

"Well, if I wasn't in such a good mood, I might." House stopped twirling, then continued towards the door.

"You mean, you're not even slightly curious as to who did this?" Chase asked incredulously.

House stopped, turned around quickly, and said plainly, "Nope."

"Really?" House didn't like how Chase was smiling. It gave him that certain Suspect aura. "Liar."

"It'll come to me, one way or another." House pursed his lips, thinking for a moment. He decided that he'd stay in his office. If his office was a wreck, then he had nothing more important than taking the rest of the day to have his staff clean it up.

They all watched as House went back to his desk, spun his chair, then sat down.

"I'll go get a janitor," said Foreman.

House smiled. "There's an idea."

x x x x x

House watched as the woman in front of him stared at him blankly. If he had the same brain cell count as she did, he might stare blankly back. But, then, that would defeat the entire purpose of showing off his mental capabilities and her severe lack of them.

"So, what's wrong with me?" she hesitated.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I believe that's what I just said."

She stared blankly again. House figured he was enjoying this too much.

"Then, why am I having back pain?"

Nah. He was enjoying it just right.

"Because you're getting old."

"I'm 31!"

"I know a 19-year old who has back pain."

"That is not old."

"I didn't say that 19 was old. Did I?"

"No. I-"

"Exactly." House placed a finger under his chin, and in a singsong voice, continued. "Did you know that muscles have aches and pains? Did you know that even if we're 19 we get aches and pains in our muscles? It's one of those facts of life things that we always hear about."

House pulled out his Rx pad. He scribbled down the most simple of all medicines. How he loved his Rx pad.

"800 milligrams of Ibuprofen oughtta do the trick." House tore the slip and handed it to the lady. "Take it when you feel any aches or pains in the general direction of your back."

House stood up, limped to the door, opened it, and shouted, "NEXT!"

The lady just stared at him.

"I'm done with you. Out." House stared right back.

As she practically ran past him, he thought he heard a slight, "What a weirdo!" as she passed. House smiled and noticed that his next patient looked very frightened. As did patient's mother.

At that moment, the other exam room door opened. A cute little blonde came walking out. House admired the view as she left, then looked inside the room. There was Drew, fiddling with a file and making notes like all goody-two-shoes doctors do. He would have rolled his eyes, if he thought she might actually look up.

"Dr. House?" A meek voice came from his left. "I'm supposed to see you." It was his next patient. A little boy, no more than nine. And his mother couldn't be more than 28.

"Are you sure?" House didn't like kids. Well, they were less prone to lie than adults, but children smelled like cookies and dirt. That irked him.

Kids irked him.

"Hey kiddo," Drew's southern drawl carried too well. House tried to get the taste of southern-fried hospitality out of his mouth as she ruffled the boy's hair. The kid smiled up at her, then looked back at House and sighed.

"Hey, wanna be her patient?" House suggested, making Drew look up at him.

"Yeah, yeah!"

Drew stared at him. "So, you'll get my next one?

"It's only fair," said House in mostly-all seriousness.

She reached for the file in House's hand, which he readily let her have. Drew skimmed over it, then handed House the other file. He stared at it.

"Dr. House?" She shook the file in his face.

"Hmm?"

"Here."

"Nah, you keep it. It's like a gift. Consider it your welcome-"

"Cut the crap." She grabbed his hand, putting the file in his grasp. "She's elderly. Remember what you do with the elderly?"

"Help them across streets?"

"You seem like a musical man. Think Aretha Franklin."

House watched as she turned towards the other exam room, pulling the little boy, motioning for the boy's mother, and then once they were all in, she shut the door.

He laughed going back in his own exam room. That had been the oddest thing anyone had ever done to him. Especially since he'd been here. She had some spunk. She might have won that little battle, but she wasn't going to win the war.

x x x x x

House looked down at his pager. Cuddy better be glad that he was only on level two or else he just wouldn't show up. He placed his GameBoy under the same pile of papers that it had been under since this morning. House had kindly asked the janitorial staff to leave the desk part of his office alone. He'd deal with all of that stuff when he got around to it. Not that any of the stuff was important. He just wanted them to think it was.

When he reached Cuddy's office, he opened the door and took one step inside.

"So you're really paging me this time, right?" House asked as he peered around the door

"Yes." She motioned for him to come in.

"You sure? Because if this is another one of Wilson's elaborate plots to get me out of my office..."

"No, I really need to talk to you. It's about the Thewlis family."

"The who?" House closed the door.

"Jeremy and Amanda Thewlis? The couple you so candidly told to not have a child?"

"Oh, them." House sucked on his teeth. "If they're infertile, then I think my reasons were spot on. I told them to adopt. Maybe they should go adopt a kid from Cambodia, like Angelina. Am I being punished for making the world a better place for Cambodian kids?"

"They're suing for pain and suffering and they are petitioning for you to lose your position here."

House chuckled. "A real petition? Cool. I wanna sign it."

Cuddy shook her head. "It's not a joke, House."

"I get it. I was a bad, bad boy. I shouldn't work in the clinic ever again. I understand and I accept the consequences. I'll get Dingo Jack to cover my clinic hours, starting tomorrow."

"Dingo-who?"

"Chase."

"Oh." Cuddy shook her head. "Wait, what? You're not getting out of clinic duty."

"But, I was bad! Bad doctor!"

"I know you don't care, but I wanted you to know. They'll probably get their lawyer coming in and harassing you. It's that Bomar guy you see all over TV. He's really good at-"

"Bomar?" House sobered immediately. "Yeah, I've heard of him." This wasn't very good. Not good at all.

"You can always get hospital security, though." Cuddy seemed slightly taken aback at House's sudden change of mannerism.

"No," said House. "I can handle him."

"House, this isn't-"

"I know. 'This isn't a joke.'" He mimicked.

They both stood there for a moment. Cuddy was still slightly shocked at House's reaction. House, on the other hand, was just letting the news sink in.

"So, it's a curve ball that life has thrown at you. It'll all turn out right in the end," she said

"What is it with you and Cameron? Only us guys do the sports analogies."

x x x x x

After Thoughts: You know the rules. Read, flip a quarter, and/or review. Tell me - heads or tails?

Now, I love to answer questions in my AT's - so here I go!

No, this is not House/OC. I wish it were, because I think House and Drew would be good together, but they're both too stubborn to even think along those lines. Darn them. But, what would House be like if someone softened him up? I don't really want to know.

Yay for all of you watched _My Fair Lady_. I rather enjoy that movie. Now - everybody go watch _Robin Hood: Men In Tights_. Netflix it or something, because don't you want to laugh at the greatness of this: "Oh! Robin! You've lost your arms in battle! Oh, how terrible... but you grew some nice boobs."

Look forward to Chapter Three entitled:

Pain and Suffering


	3. Pain and Suffering

**Infertility Wars**

Summary: After House does what he does best, an infertile couple that he sees in the clinic are out to get him fired. A lot of other madness ensues when House's office gets ransacked, Wilson falls in love, someone gets a new, impressive haircut, and the past comes back in the form of a lawyer to bite House in the ass. And, as if that wasn't enough, a woman who _dated_ House in high school is put in the hospital, and it's up to him and his team to figure out what's wrong with her. What's a doctor to do?

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

x x x x x

Chapter Three

_Pain and Suffering_

x x x x x

"Can I see a photo ID and your card, please?"

Allison Cameron rummaged through her purse, then pulled out her wallet. Using her thumb, she tried for a couple of seconds to retrieve her license. Damn, if getting out her license wasn't a bitch.

"I'm glad you guys ask," she said, making some conversation. Poor girl at the register probably got huffed at more times than Cameron even wanted to think about.

"Yeah, we get a few people who think it's an inconvenience to them when I ask, though." The girl smiled at Cameron, then checked her license and her credit card. "Swipe away."

Cameron did as she was told, then placed all of her cards back in her wallet. "Yeah, I remember when I worked in retail... people are so rude sometimes."

"They really are. They look down on you if you work in retail or food service." The girl looked at her register, then looked down at the keypad in front of Cameron. "If you can just sign that for me and hit okay at the bottom."

"Oh, sure," Cameron picked up the little pen and signed her name. It always looked like chicken scratch on these computers. "You know-"

"Cameron?"

Cameron looked up. It was House.

"Oh, hi." Cameron said, realizing how goofy she sounded.

"I'm the boyfriend," House looked towards the cashier, then back at Cameron. Cameron felt her face get red, but she kept her cool. He was always doing stuff like this. Even if it was away from the hospital.

The cashier just smiled at them and handed Cameron her receipt. "Here's your receipt. Have a nice day."

"Thank you, you too." Cameron said cheerily as she walked towards House. She didn't want to hold up the line. She hated it when others did that sort of crap.

"Did I embarrass you?"

"Maybe." Cameron rummaged through her plastic bag, getting out her new pair of sunglasses.

"So, what's up?"

Cameron continued picking at the sticker on the sunglasses, "Nothing. Just finished shopping."

"Obviously."

She was making deathly sure that she didn't make eye contact. She had heard what wild animals do if you make eye contact with them. Cameron didn't want to see herself on one of those Spike TV shows _When Animals Attack_. "I didn't peg you as a Ross kind of guy."

"I like to _dress for less_." House picked at the shirt he was wearing. "Izod. It's the smokin' new style. And only 8 bucks a pop, here!"

"Well, I have to go," sighed Cameron. "I'll miss American Idol."

"We all know who's going to win. It's that bald-headed guy. He'll win. Hands down."

"He got voted out last week."

"What?"

"Oh, like you care."

"You're right, but still. I thought he had it in the bag."

"I really gotta go, House," she tried again, turning towards the door.

"Real quick, before you go," House stopped her by holding out his cane, "I wanted to ask you something since we just so happened to bump into one another."

_Yeah_, Cameron thought. _How 'bout that?_

"Wilson gave me a file today on a lady named Terri Raye."

Cameron's eyes widened.

"He thought she was a pretty interesting case. I didn't want to take it, but since he thought it was interesting, and you did her history, I wanted to ask you if you think I should take it."

Cameron didn't say anything.

"What's wrong?"

"Uh," Cameron stuttered, "I-I'm just surprised that you're asking me what you should do."

"Good point. Obviously, you know that I went to high school with Mrs. Raye. Of course she wasn't Raye back then, but that's not the point." House shrugged. "I just wanted your input as to if you think she's interesting or not."

"I don't think she's interesting." Cameron stated plainly. "I believe it's pneumonia."

"Right, that's all I needed." House started walking towards the men's department.

Cameron blinked. That was surprising. She started to follow him. "That's all?"

House turned around quickly, "What more do you want? Don't you see me enough at work?"

"So you're not taking the Raye case?"

"Of course I am."

Cameron stuttered again, "B-but you just said..."

"You said, and I quote, 'I _believe _it's pneumonia.'" House gave her one of his smirks. "If you're not 100 percent positive it's that, then maybe Wilson was on to something. And not just that I knew her way back in the Stone Age."

Cameron opened her mouth to say something, but House had already turned on his heels and was off again. She sighed and decided that it was better to go home, than try and tell House that the Raye woman was absolutely not interesting at all.

x x x x x

"I have a hard time breathing, especially if I walk up stairs or..."

"Go on," said Foreman.

"Or, you know, other sorts of demanding physical activities."

Foreman smiled. He knew what she was referring to. "Anything else? Have you been feeling tired? Coughing a lot?"

"Not any more tired than usual, but my muscles have been aching a lot."

"Is it really painful?"

"A little. Like right after you've worked out too hard and you're a little weak."

"Mmhmm." Foreman nodded and looked over her file. Mostly all of the question that had been asked to her the other day, when Cameron had also gotten her history, dealt mainly with Mrs. Raye's breathing troubles. Foreman didn't think it was that simple. And, if House had taken the case, then he thought it was more than just plain, good ol' pneumonia.

"Not to be rude," Terri said, interrupting Foreman's concentration. "But, I thought Dr. House was going to be my doctor."

Foreman laughed a little. "He is. He's just not big on being in the same room. I make sure that he gets all of the right information, though. He oversees everything we do, so technically he is still your doctor."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Sounds like he hasn't really changed."

"What?"

"I went to high school with him, you know?"

Foreman's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah, we even dated for a little while." Foreman wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh like a crazy maniac. This was great. "I had to break it off though. He was cute, but his personality sucked."

"Tell me about it," Foreman agreed, then realized what he said. "I mean, the personality part. Only."

"I knew what you meant," she laughed, rather weakly. "So, have any idea what's wrong with me?"

"We don't know exactly."

"That other doctor... she said that I had pneumonia."

"I don't think it's that simple."

x x x x x

"Where'd my marker go?" House was rummaging through a drawer. "I need a marker. We can't work without my-"

"Here." Chase held out a blue marker.

"It's not permanent, is it?"

"Would I do that?"

House lifted an eyebrow. He had already marked Chase as the man who'd destroyed his office. He just had no idea why. Maybe Cuddy was in on it. She hadn't come by to ask about it and she certainly didn't say anything about it when she had paged him to his office.

Chase sighed and read the side of the marker, "Dry erase."

House snatched the marker and limped to the board. He looked behind him to see that all of his little ducklings were all sitting in a row. They were.

"So, a woman comes in. She's not feeling so hot. Can't breathe, can't move, can't-"

"It's pneumonia." Cameron said flatly. "I really don't understand why you are so hard pressed to find something horribly wrong with her. She's boring pneumonia."

"She hasn't coughed up any sputum or anything while she's been here. Her lungs sound clean." Foreman said.

"In her chart, it clearly states that she was given Acyclovir." Cameron said calmly. "She's probably in the beginning stage of pneumonia again. Maybe her previous doctor didn't up the dosage enough."

"What if she didn't have pneumonia before?" Chase asked.

"It doesn't matter." Cameron stated. "You can have reoccurring pneumonia, if you don't completely remove it from the system."

"But what if she never even had it to begin with?"

"So?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"No, I'm not. You are!"

"Ooh, they've reduced to the teenage ways of getting their point across. Who've you got your money on Foreman?" House was leaning against the white board, watching intently as Cameron and Chase sparred.

"Well, I think it's Guillain-Barre Syndrome." Foreman shrugged.

"Have you tested her blood?" House asked, rather impressed.

"Not yet," Foreman replied. "I was waiting on our little banter in here, then I was going to go and make with the blood testing."

House blinked. "For a second, I thought you said _mate_ instead of _make_." He shook his head.

"Ha ha," Foreman rolled his eyes.

"I ran a blood test." Cameron spoke up.

Chase shrugged, "So? What did it prove?"

"That her WBC count is high."

"That doesn't make it pneumonia," said House. "If you want any of us to believe you, you are going to have to prove that she has pneumonia."

"She can't breathe well, because her lungs are starting to fill."

"No they're not." Foreman huffed impatiently. "And respiratory problems aren't her only symptom. Muscle weakness is another."

"The lack of oxygen makes you weak. Let's just put her on Acyclovir again and an antibiotic. If I'm wrong, it won't hurt her and you can all ridicule me, but if I'm right, then she'll get better and she can go home."

"Great plan." House nodded, biting his lower lip. "You go do that Cameron."

House watched as Foreman's mouth dropped wide open and Chase had the worst look of confusion known to man. They both stood up to follow Cameron out, but House shook his head. He walked over to the door and closed it.

"What was that?" Foreman asked.

"Me getting rid of Pneumo-Woman."

"I don't think it's pneumonia." Chase sat down, and flexed out his arms.

"Of course you don't. You're using your brain," said House. "Chase, go back and do another history. I have a feeling Dr. Cameron is going crazy."

"Well, you like crazy people." Foreman suggested.

"Not crazy people who are doctors. Duh."

"You don't think Cameron's doing her job right?" Chase asked.

House tapped his cane on the floor for a second, thinking carefully. "I think something is getting in her way of judgement."

"Do you know what it is?" Foreman asked.

"Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be talking it out with you two, would I?" House looked at his empty board. "Chase - the history; Foreman - test for GBS."

x x x x x

House stared down at the cards in front of him. He hated it when people called to cancel on him. He was hoping to have a poker night with a bunch of the guys. Now it was just him and Wilson. And they were playing _Go Fish_.

"I really like Diana." Wilson said plainly as he, too, studied the cards in front of him. They took great pride at who won the GF Tournaments. They just didn't let anyone else know that they played in their very own GF Tournament. There were no bragging rights for a week in this game.

"Who?" House moved around a few of his cards. "Got any sevens?"

"Go fish," Wilson pursed his lips. "Nancy. I like her. She's nice."

"Oh, Nancy." House drew a card and made a face. It wasn't one that he wanted. "She's annoying."

"I think I'm going to ask her out on a date." Wilson said with a smile on his face. "Any jacks?"

"Go fish," said House. "So, are you planning on marrying her, then hating her for the rest of your life? Wait... marriage. The rest of your marriage?"

Wilson shook his head as he drew a card. "She's smart, fun, beautiful, and loves kids. She's a wife waiting to happen."

"I'm sure she'd appreciate that." House stared down at his deck, thinking about his next move. "Have you proposed yet?"

"Please, she only started a week ago."

"Got any threes?"

"Dammit," Wilson handed over two cards, and watched as House placed four threes down.

"So, next week," House said as he watched Wilson's reaction. "You'll ask her then?"

"Ha ha," He rolled his eyes. "Any kings?"

"Go fish."

Wilson took a card and sneered at it.

"Any queens?"

Wilson sighed, "Here." He handed over one card. "Any tens?"

"Go fish. You know, there are other fish in the sea. Pardon the pun, and all." House said.

"So, you don't want me to ask her out?"

"That ring on your finger makes me scream 'no'... any fives?"

"Go fish. I'm just used to it now, I like how it feels. I'm not stupid enough to leave it on while I'm asking her. And, since when do you show moral fiber?"

House drew a card, looking at it thoughtfully. "Since I got sued. Again."

"Oh, yeah. Heard about that. Don't see why you're changing your stripes now."

"Because I'm playing a game." House eyed his hand, then looked up at Wilson.

"Because you're playing _Go Fish_?"

"No, because I'm playing a game with Dr. Double-D. I've yet to render her speechless. But, it took Cuddy a while too. Nancy's got a breaking point."

"Oh, leave her alone. You don't ever see each other-"

"Clinic duty."

"Ah - she got stuck with you?"

"Yeah. Thanks for being so kind and volunteering to work with your best friend."

"Oh, shut up. It's your turn."

House looked at his cards again. "Give me a minute."

"You've had 10 already!"

House lifted an eyebrow and smirked at Wilson. "Got any tens?"

Wilson's mouth dropped open. "Dammit. I hate it when you do that."

x x x x x

_After Thoughts_: You know the rules. Read, eat a Cheez-It or fifty-two, review.

Thank you to all of my lovely reviewers. I was a nutcase and didn't thank you all last time. I'm horrid. I was too excited about updating. You all have permission to smack me. If you want.

Quick Note: I updated the summary. It's at the top of this chapter. I think it's better than the crappy one I had before. I usually change my summary once anyway. So, there went my change.

Look forward to Chapter Four entitled:

_Hip To Be Square_


	4. Hip to Be Square

**Infertility Wars**

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

x x x x x

Chapter Four

Hip To Be Square

x x x x x

House slid a cup of pens across his desk. Staring at the new arrangement, he slid the cup back to its original spot. He squinted his nose and placed the cup back across his desk. Before he could move it back, and start the entire process over again, a sharp jab of pain shot through his leg.

Convulsing in pain, he slid into his chair and pulled out his trusty Vicodin. As soon as he placed the pill in his mouth, there was a knock at his door. House looked over his shoulder and saw Lisa Cuddy push the door open. He swallowed the pill and twisted uncomfortably in his chair. Usually, he'd say something about her impressive cleavage right now, but sometimes pain knocks the fun right out of someone.

Cuddy, seeing House's face contorted in pain, said, "I'll come back."

"No," said House. "It's okay." The Vicodin would start working soon and he'd be as loopy as a fruit loop. Then, oh yes then, he could say something about her cleavage.

"You sure?" Cuddy pointed with her thumb towards the door. "If it's not a good time-"

"Since when do you care?"

"Since you look like you just got hit by a train."

"Thank you. You look divine too." House took in a deep breath and continued. "What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you had any idea who screwed up your office."

House looked at his desk, saw the cup of pens, and pushed them to the opposite side of the desk.

There, he thought.

"Screwed," sighed House. "Even my office gets a screw every now and again. And me, as charming and handsome as I am, can't even get that redheaded nurse down in the clinic to come to bed with me."

Cuddy crossed her arms and tapped her fingers.

"Oh, sorry," said House as he placed his hand over his mouth in mock surprise, "I said that out loud, didn't I?"

"So, you have no idea who..." House watched as Cuddy searched for a word that had no double meaning. "...ransacked your office?"

"I have an idea."

"You do?"

"Sure, but it's not a very likely idea. I have another one though, which has promise. I just don't know why they would do it."

"Are you having trouble with a jigsaw?" Cuddy looked surprised.

"I've got the jig, just not the saw."

"The 'saw' is the reason, right?"

House's eyes lit up and he pointed at Cuddy as if she were spot on, "God you're good. You should be the next Miss Cleo."

Cuddy rolled her eyes and walked across the room and sat down on the edge of House's desk. She looked down and moved a cup of pens across the desk. House sucked on his teeth in exasperation.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, that's not my entire reason as to why I cam down here."

"No way."

"I wanted to tell you what happened to me today, because I don't want the same thing to happen to you."

"Did Foreman mug you again? I told him that if he needs a raise, all he has to do is blackmail you."

"House, shut up." Cuddy shook her head. "It's about Hank Bomar. He came to my office today, practically breaking down the door."

House was slightly impressed.

"He tried to scare me into firing you. I told him I couldn't do that because you have tenure. And he told me that there is always a loophole."

"Sounds just like him." House murmured to himself.

"Then, after he called me a few choice names I told him to go screw himself and he stormed out of my office promising me that he and his clients would hear from him again."

"'Screw' must be your word of the day." House nodded as he situated to a more comfortable position in his chair. "Most sane people, who ever get the wonderful opportunity to meet him, tell him to go screw himself."

"How do you know?"

"College. He was going to be a doctor too."

"He was?"

"Oh, yeah." House waved his hand. "But that's not nearly as interesting as putting him and Foreman in the same room."

"What? Why?"

"Let's just say that I think he's a serious contender for whatever they call the leader of the KKK."

"Oh, my God!"

"Yeah, he's a big, squishy teddy bear, that Hank Bomar." House paused, watching Cuddy go through a mix of emotions. Surprise, hate, and disgust: just to name a few.

"I can't believe you went to the same school as him." Cuddy had a look of confusion on her face. "Why didn't he become a doctor?"

"I don't know, but I think he found his calling was putting innocent black men and woman in prison."

"Jesus."

"Yeah, that's exactly who he thinks he is."

"So much for me warning you," said Cuddy as she slid off his desk. House quickly moved the pen cup back to its spot.

"Well, I'm not one to bad mouth people," House ignored Cuddy's blatant rolling eyes. "But he's a real bastard."

"And that's saying something coming from you." Cuddy said.

"Don't we know it," gushed House.

"So, how's your patient?"

House was taken aback by the sudden change of subject. "I dunno. I haven't been paged, I assume she's all right, for right now."

"What do you mean?"

"Cameron started her up on some pneumonia meds. Mrs. Raye should be getting worse any minute now."

"Why did you let Cameron give her medicine, when you don't think that's what she has?"

"To shut Cameron up."

"House! That's a horrible-"

"Yeah, ain't I a stinker? Wanna go watch?"

"No, not really."

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

"Back in my office." Cuddy started for the door.

"Every party has its pooper."

x x x x x

House was air-guitaring with Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' - and it was great. He would have kept on air-guitaring, except for the fact that a southern brunette was now standing at the doorframe of Exam Room One. And she was looking something fierce.

"DR. HOUSE!" Dr. Drew screamed as she walked across the room and turned down the volume. "This is the second time in an hour that you have blasted all our eardrums."

House slapped his own hand. "I've been bad, haven't I?"

"Please keep it down. You don't have to see any patients as long as you allow me to be able to hear myself think."

"Aye, aye!" House saluted her. Then he started to whistle and twiddle his thumbs. "Not one more peep from me."

Drew turned around and started towards the door.

"Peep!"

Drew turned back around and glared at him.

"Okay, that was the last one. I promise."

"It better be," she threatened as she slammed the door.

House waited until he heard the other exam room door shut and then he went to work. He looked on his CD and picked the most insanely annoying song on there. And he cranked the volume.

It was only a moment before he saw his door open again.

"HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS!" House screamed over the music to Drew. "SONG'S SO CATCHY ISN'T IT? EVER LISTEN TO ALL THE LYRICS OF 'HIP TO BE SQUARE'? YOU SHOULD! CHRISTIAN BALE IN _AMERICAN PSYCHO_ SAYS THAT IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE PRESSURES OF CONFORMITY OR THE IMPORTANCE OF TRENDS, BUT THAT IT'S ALSO A PERSONAL STATEMENT ABOUT THE BAND ITSELF! WHO'D A THUNK IT!"

He watched as Drew crossed the room, pressed the off button, found the cord, yanked it out of the socket and turned towards him.

"You're a moron," she stated simply as she took off with the stereo.

x x x x x

Walking down the halls and enjoying the hospital scene was something House enjoyed. Especially, because, if you leaned against the wall closest to where all the nurses were, you would hear all of the latest gossip. House loved his gossip. His favorite bit so far had been about a month ago when he'd found out that Chase had given one nurse a look one day, and that she'd practically had to change her pants.

House had been waiting for the right moment to give Chase the news. But nothing ever presented itself, so House was stuck with this delicious gossip all to himself. He'd probably tell Foreman, because Foreman would find it funny. Cameron would just look at him crossly and Chase would turn red. Yeah, he'd tell Foreman.

However, checking out the hospital scene today came at a price. He had to face Mrs. Terri Raye. As he reached her room, he saw Foreman inside. Now was his chance to get the Chase-Pants-Thing off his chest.

House slid the door open and stepped in.

"You never told me the results of the test, Foreman." House stated.

"I forgot?" Foreman shrugged. "She's negative for GBS."

House turned his attention towards his patient. It had been a long time since he'd seen her. She looked decent enough. Short black hair, gray eyes, pointed nose, and some killer boobs that he hadn't remembered.

"Greg, wow, you've gotten old." Terri said, surprised.

House licked his lips, "And you've put on weight! Especially in the hip region. But, golly gee wiz, if it ain't nice to see ya."

Terri coughed a little. "He hasn't changed. That was endearing once, you know." She said to Foreman.

"I still can't believe you dated him. I've met this other lady he dated once, and I still don't see how she dealt with him." Foreman was having this conversation like House wasn't even in the room.

House decided to keep the funny Chase gossip to himself. Foreman didn't deserve to laugh.

"So, one date constitutes dating now?"

"Try our entire senior year, and then you'll be closer," said Terri.

"Well, we only went on one date the entire time. That to me means we had a date. Not 'we dated' because dating, in essence, consists of more than once."

"Who do you believe, Dr. Foreman?" Terri asked.

Foreman looked at Terri and nodded towards her.

"This is a conspiracy!" House moaned, he turned around to leave the room, when he came face to face with Cuddy. "You come to conspire against me to?"

"Maybe. I heard that you once dated the lucky lady." Cuddy said with a wink. "If I had known this before I wouldn't have said no to such an adventure."

As he walked towards the door, leaving Foreman, Cuddy and Terri to have girl-talk, House came face to face with Cameron.

"What is this? Party central? Is there free beer that I don't know about?" House threw up his hands in defeat.

Cameron's eyes widened and she turned around, going back the way she came. House didn't understand women, but he did understand Foreman and he needed to talk to someone sane. Pulling out his pager, he paged Foreman and waited a few seconds. When he saw him coming out of the room he pulled him over to a corner.

"What?"

"I think Cameron trashed my office."

Foreman looked shocked. "Really? Do you know why?"

"I'm not sure." House said truthfully. "But, don't tell the lippy Aussi, because then the entire state of New Jersey'll know that I think Cameron did it."

"But, what if she didn't do it?"

"Honest mistake and I'll probably never know who did."

"She has been acting kind of funny hasn't she?"

"Yeah..."

"I NEED A NURSE!"

House and Foreman looked up quickly to see a few nurses running into Terri Raye's room. They both look at each other and hurry towards the commotion. House watched as Foreman ran in and was checking the machines in the room.

Terri Raye had stopped breathing.

x x x x x

"So it's not pneumonia." House twirled his cane, smirking at Cameron.

"Told you," gloated Chase as he looked pointedly at Cameron.

Cameron sighed. "So, now what?"

"Good question," said House. He limped towards his board and picked up his marker. "So, what are the symptoms?" House started writing on his dry-erase board:

muscle weakness

respiratory failure

"Is she on oxygen now?" House asked as he finished.

"Of course," said Foreman.

"So, with such a short list, it can only be one thing." House turned around and looked at Cameron. "Go test her for steroid use."

"But..."

"She's a P.E. teacher. Do it."

Cameron's mouth opened to say something, but House gave her a look. She stood up and stormed out of the office.

"Steroids?" Foreman looked surprised.

"Terri would never use steroids, but it's a damn good cover-up." House turned back towards his board. "So, how'd the history come Chase?"

"Everything she told Cameron was the same and I even asked a lot more. I couldn't have gotten anything else."

"Is there a 'but' to this?" House was doodling on the board.

Chase smiled, "Yes. I talked to her husband and he said that she had had an outbreak of shingles, but that the previous doctor, for some reason didn't put it on the chart."

"My kind'a guy," said House.

"So, that's why she was being treated with Acyclovir." Foreman said.

"Shingles," Chase started, "Maybe shingles started the symptoms."

"What is shingles?" asked House, hoping to lead his two sane ducklings in the right direction. He, of course, was already planning his next move.

"Chicken pox for adults." Foreman stated simply.

"What else?"

"It's a virus," said Chase.

"Right. What problems start off with the onset of a virus?"

"Maybe she's got a viral disease," Chase said as he watched House write _shingles_ at the top of the board. "Have you gotten the results back for GBS?"

"She's negative for GBS." Foreman shrugged. "No irregular antibodies."

"Yeah, it's never that easy," House said, turning around. "And out of the millions of viruses... let's pick... Hantavirus."

"Hantavirus?" asked Foreman. "She's practically got no chance of survival if it's that. And, she'd need to have a constant supply of rats around her."

"What? Want me to pick meningitis? We already had an outbreak of that. I'm not up for another one of those."

"I guess we could put her on Ribavirin." Chase suggested. "It won't keep her from dying if she has Hantavirus, but it'll give her body a shot to fight it off by itself."

"There's an idea. And Foreman?" House topped his marker.

"Yeah?"

"Ask for rats. If she says no, you and Chase go check out her house. Knock up some floorboards. I bet the place is crawling."

x x x x x

_After Thoughts:_ Yay. Chapter Four! A big thanks to my reviewers. Hope you liked this chapter. :)

Look forward to Chapter Five entitled:

Bad Medicine


	5. Bad Medicine

**Infertility Wars**

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

x x x x x

Chapter Five

_Bad Medicine_

x x x x x

House flipped through the hospital's copy of _People_ magazine. He had been in the clinic since ten this morning and he would be free at one. He figured a little stargazing would fill up his remaining eighteen minutes.

As soon as he he had flipped to the Jessica Alba story, a knock came to his door. He rolled his eyes and threw the magazine onto the counter.

"What?" he called, waiting to hear Drew's voice on the other side.

"Dr. House?"

Well, it wasn't Drew. "Yeah?"

"Can we come in?"

"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin."

The door opened and a man and a woman stood at the doorframe. They looked strangely familiar, but House really didn't care. He leaned back in his chair, folded his hands, and looked up at them blankly.

"Remember us?"

"Nope." House answered truthfully. "But I'm going to bet that your last name just might happen to be Thewlis."

"We came to tell you personally that we are going to see this through." Lady Thewlis said. She even seemed a little pissed off.

House yawned, then shook his head. "You came all the way here to tell me that?"

"You bet your ass, we did." Husband Thewlis spoke.

"I... what?" House squinted his eyes in confusion. "Bet your ass? What kind of saying is that? Is that supposed to frighten me?" He stood up and sighed. "Because as you can see, I'm shaking in my cowboy boots."

"Laugh all you want," the woman said. "You just wait until Hank Bomar shows up and runs you right out of this hellhole."

"I'm positively giddy. Make sure he comes in right when I've started my clinic hours, okay?" House limped to the door and shoved past the Thewlis'.

"Don't you walk away from us!" The husband called out.

House made his way to the nurse's desk and signed himself out. Looking up at the clock, he realized he had about ten more minutes until he was supposed to sign out. He scratched out his name and placed the clipboard back down. He could handle a little bit more of the Thewlis family.

"You're a coward!" Screamed the woman.

On second thought, he would rather handle Cuddy. Not that he couldn't take them; they just were obviously stupid enough to not realize that he was using the silent treatment on them. Maybe they would realize it soon. As he picked the clipboard back up to resign his name, he started humming.

"And a bad doctor!"

He laughed inwardly at the husband's lame attempt at trying to hurt his feelings. House sniffed out of boredom and started towards the elevator. They were going to have to be pretty clever if they were going to even get his attention. Bad doctor... ha! Like he hadn't been called a bad doctor before.

Amateurs.

"You're probably an Atheist too!"

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to escort you out." House looked over his shoulder. It was one of the nurses. "You're upsetting the other patients."

"Get your hands off my wife!"

Another nurse joined the fray. "Sir, you are going to have to calm down."

Before House could really focus his gaze, an officer of the law had also joined. The cop grabbed Husband Thewlis and started him towards the door, while the two nurses had grabbed Lady Thewlis. House waved at them, as they continued to spout their lame curses.

Shaking his head, he continued to the elevator. He heard a ding, which meant it had already opened on this floor. He pushed himself to go a little faster; or else he'd be waiting for ten minutes. When he had the elevator in sight, he saw Dr. Drew step inside the elevator.

_Jesus_, he thought. _She probably saw the whole thing._ Then the door started to close.

"Hold it!" he called. The door kept closing. He reached it just in time to pry apart the doors, stepping inside he looked Drew up and down and said, "Thank you."

There were two other people inside the elevator and they were all looking at House. He was sure that they had all heard, maybe even seen, the little tussle involving the Thewlis'. However, nothing was said as the elevator stopped and Drew stepped past House to get off.

"You liked that didn't you?" House asked as she cleared the door.

Drew stopped and turned around. "Are you talking to me?"

House stepped off, he did after all have some time to spare. "No, I'm talking to Stuart Little. Of course I'm talking to you."

"I'm late and I have to go." Drew turned around and started walking down the hall.

"Oh, no," House started after her, realizing that they were headed for the Neonatal Unit. "I think if you weren't so caught up in your southern hospitality values that you would have jumped right in with those crazies."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Drew said.

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't." Drew slowed her pace, but still continued on her way. "And I don't care what it is."

"You're not a good liar," said House.

"Okay, fine." She stopped completely this time, causing House to nearly bump into her. "Maybe I did see those two people, but I didn't say one thing, did I?"

"You thought a few things, though." House said as he arched an eyebrow.

"So, what if I did?"

"See?" House mused. "I was right."

"Hey," Drew sighed, "How about a deal? You can annoy me in the clinic tomorrow."

"Nah," House shrugged. "I think now is okay. You didn't want to let me on the elevator."

"I wasn't close to the buttons!"

"You could have reached."

"Is that what this is all about? Because you were this close," she held her index finger and her thumb about an inch apart, "to having to wait for the next elevator?"

"It might be," he shrugged.

Drew huffed and continued down the hall. A nurse handed her a file and she thanked her. House looked to his right and saw about five babies in little incubators and three babies with tubes sticking out of every orifice.

He was about to follow her inside the little room when she turned to face him. "I don't know what your major malfunction is, but I seriously don't want you in here with the babies. You might... infect them with your... emotional retardation. Or something."

"Wouldn't want that to happen, would we?" House said as he waited by the door.

"Whatever."

House watched as Drew flipped open the file and went to one of the babies with an oxygen mask over its face. She was checking the monitor and the baby's BP when a harsh beeping came from across the room. House looked over to see a baby going into cardiac arrest.

House stepped in the room and looked down at the baby.

"House, hand me the defibrillator," cried Drew as she hurriedly ran past him to the baby and applied a thin layer of gel on its chest. "House!"

House turned on the machine and handed her the two electrodes. She looked at the monitor, then looked at House, "Charging. Clear."

Nothing happened.

"Charging. Clear."

Again nothing happened. She waited a couple seconds.

"Charging," she said. "Come on, third time's the charm. Clear."

Nothing.

"Charging," she said as she glanced at the clock. "Clear."

Drew sighed. The monitor didn't even show signs of the baby responding. She closed her eyes tightly for a moment, looked back up at the clock, then handed the electrodes back to House. He immediately put them up and turned off the machine. When he turned back to face her, Drew looked disoriented.

"Do you see where the files are?" she asked quietly.

House went to the door and saw the basket filled with files. "Name?"

"Um... Norris."

"Here," House handed her the file. "13:12."

"I know," she said. Drew sighed again, shook her head, then jotted down the time of death. House thought he saw her eyes misting up.

"You know," she said suddenly, "this one had the best chance of living out of all of them."

"It happens," House shrugged. "Mistakes happen."

"I didn't think I made a mistake. She was having arrhythmias and I started her on the lowest dosage possible of quinidine."

"The risk with antiarrhythmic drugs are very high-"

"Don't patronize me. I've used quinidine with most of the babies under my care that have had arrhythmias. It should have helped."

House crossed over to the dead baby and looked at the monitor. He unplugged it and was about to press the button for a nurse, when he noticed something.

"Quinidine?"

"Yeah," sniffed Drew.

"Let me see that file," House crossed over to Drew and took the file from her hand.

"Those poor people. She was their only shot at having their own family." Drew sighed. "I told them she was going to live a long, healthy life. I can't believe this..."

"Putting a baby on the wrong medicine can really put a damper on some plans." House tapped on the file. "That's one thing about you that you do right, you chart."

"You're saying this is my fault?"

"No," House said. "You clearly wrote quinidine. But, Nursie Kim gave her quinine. Never trust a nurse to do what you can do for yourself. That's where you messed up."

"What?" Drew yanked the file from House.

"It's not on the file. She wrote down quinidine too, but the medicine bag sings a different tune." House said, pointing his cane back towards the baby.

Drew cleared the room in a matter of seconds as she looked at the medicine bag. It clearly said _quinine_. She dropped the bag and exited the room.

House watched as Drew went to the desk and grabbed the attention of a nurse. When the two started back towards the baby room, House quickly moved out of the way.

"You gave this baby quinine." Drew said, calmly.

"If it's on the chart, yes."

"It's not on the chart."

"Then why am I here?"

"I clearly wrote quinidine, you gave Baby Norris quinine." Drew grabbed the nurse by the arm and took her to the dead baby. "See that? That's quinine, not quinidine."

House watched as the nurse's eyes lit up in horror.

"Do you realize that now I have to go and tell two happy parents that their baby just died?"

"I-I-" Nursie Kim faltered.

"Get out of this room. Now."

The nurse hurriedly left the room in tears, with Drew following close behind her.

"I'm s-s-sorry..." The nurse's sobs filled the hall as Drew took out her pager. "What a-are y-you... doing?"

"Making sure you'll never work in this hospital again." Drew spat at her. "You know that baby's parents tried for five years before they had her."

"Stop it!" The nurse screamed.

"I'LL STOP WHEN THAT BABY IS ALIVE AN-"

House watched as the nurse slapped Drew clean across the face. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO!"

There is always an all-over intake of breath and then an immediate hush after someone has just hit someone else. House looked at the scene of nurses who were in complete shock at seeing one of their own slap a doctor. Drew was against a wall, from the force of the slap. She hadn't fallen, but she had been taken completely off-guard.

Drew placed a hand to her cheek and glared at the nurse. Before Drew could retaliate another nurse had grabbed Drew and pulled her away from Nursie Kim. Drew then started to laugh.

"You hear that? She didn't mean to. Well, then, I'll make sure to tell the parents that. They won't even bother about the malpractice suit now, will they?"

House looked towards another nurse who had picked up the phone. She was either calling security or was paging Cuddy. Either way, this was about to get even more exciting.

"The Norris' will probably never have their own child again. All because you can't read a simple word."

"I said I was sorry!"

"Don't tell me!" Drew shook her head, House thought he saw her eyes misting again. "Tell the lawyers when you get sued!"

"That's enough!"

House looked up, it was Cuddy. Damn, she was quick.

"Dr. Cuddy - I didn't - I mean - it was an accident - I swear!" The nurse started to bawl and Cuddy sighed heavily.

"Let her go," Cuddy motioned for the nurse to free Drew. "Now what happened?"

Drew jerked her arm free from the nurse. She straightened her lab coat and took in a deep, calming breath. "She killed a baby."

House was slightly confused at how calm Drew sounded. Especially after what all had just happened.

"You killed a baby?" Cuddy looked shocked.

"She gave it the wrong medicine," said Drew.

Cuddy's eyes widened and she looked around the hallway. When her eyes stopped on House she seemed slightly suspicious at his being there, but she said nothing.

"Well, we're going to have to file a report on this." Cuddy said, finally. "Dr. Drew, I think you need to inform the family."

House watched as Drew nodded her head and went around the corner. When she had left, there was really nothing left to watch. Cuddy was consoling the nurse and House didn't like all the touchy-feely stuff happening around him. He headed straight for the elevator.

x x x x x

"Family asked for an autopsy, what with the questionable nature of what happened." Wilson said, plainly.

"I'm so glad you are in all of these high profile committees," said House as he looked up from the television. Soap operas ruled his life, for sure. "I would never know what was going on here without you."

"I'm sure you'd find other ways of getting gossip." Wilson rolled his eyes. "You know, you could be in a few committees if you actually cared about anything but your own department."

"My department is all that matters."

"I'm not having this fight with you."

"A'right," said House. "Now, are you really going to miss Natasha running in on her best friend and fiancé getting down and dirty in the backyard hammock?"

"No."

Wilson hurried over to sit on the side of House's desk. For a few seconds they watched the show. Right when it was getting to the good drama, a knock came from outside of House's office.

House looked over, then looked back at his television set, then just as quickly as he looked back; he returned his attention to his door. There, dressed in the most expensive suit money could buy, was Hank Bomar.

House cut off the television.

"Hey!" Wilson cried.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," said House, pulling Wilson towards him so that only he could hear. "Show that guy in on your way out."

"What? Why?"

"I'll explain later," said House.

Wilson did as he was told and opened the door for Bomar. Bomar didn't even say thank you, but Wilson was already walking away.

"If it isn't Greg House," Bomar straightened his jacket as he walked across the room. "Nice cane, Ho."

"Gee, Bo, I didn't think you'd notice." House sat down in his chair and looked up at Hank Bomar. He hadn't changed a bit. He still had that crooked nose, brown eyes, and jet-black hair. It was too bad it wasn't slicked back, or else House could pretend that Bomar was in the mafia. Bomar was also pretty short as far as men came. Only 5'5" or so.

"I always notice cripples."

"I'm not crippled," House challenged. "I just pretend so that I can get discounts at Ross on Tuesdays." There was a pause. House loved pauses, it meant that the other person couldn't find the right words. "It also multitasks. On weekends it's my pimp cane." He twirled it around, just for the hell of it.

"Aren't you going to ask me to sit down?" Bomar asked, crossing his arms.

"Nah," House shrugged. "I don't want you dirtying my chairs."

"Me? Dirty _your_ filthy, diseased chairs?"

"A second ago you wanted to sit in them." House arched an eyebrow in curiousity. "What changed in a matter of two seconds? You suddenlyrealize thatI work in a hospital, or something?"

Bomar huffed impatiently, then sat down gingerly and crossed his legs. "Can't we just make nice for a few minutes?"

House remembered him more of a hand-talker, it seemed that Bomar had toned that down a bit. "Why? So you can ask me nicely to sign a few things?"

"No," Bomar said. "I just need to tell you about how things are going to go."

"You're excited about this part. I can tell by all of the drooling." House emptied his cup of pens and slid the cup towards Bomar. "Drool cup. Comes in handy sometimes."

"When I'm through with you, you'll never work in any of the 50 states." Bomar continued, like House hadn't said a thing.

"But I can go to Russia, though, right?"

"I know a guy in Russian politics-"

"I know this one... his name is either Olaf or Vladimir."

"I think _Denis Timofeyev_ would probably keep you out of Russia, too."

"Ooh! Foaming at the mouth. Maybe we should check for rabies."

"You still think you're funny, Ho."

"And you still think people like to hear your opinions, Bo."

Bomar chuckled and shook his head. "House?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Well, there it is, but I'm game for another."

"You hate me. Don't you?"

"Is this one of those tricks of yours? You're going to make me promise to lie in court without my knowing it, aren't you?"

"I might be..." Bomar eyed House carefully. "Answer my question first."

"Well, I hate all people equally," said House. He loathed this man in front of him, though. He definitely took the cake of all things hated. "Ask my staff. They'll tell you all about my juicy secrets. Keep your grubby paws off my token black guy, though. He's my favorite."

Bomar's eyes widened considerably. House knew that he had hit a nerve.

"A _black_ doctor?"

"Yeah," said House, surprised. "Did you know that they can vote now, too? Hell, I know a black man runnin' for president. I think he might even be taking over for Bush for the Republicans."

"You hired this black doctor?"

House couldn't hold back his sarcasm. "Yassir, I's did. Shawly you un'nerstan', sir?"

"That's disgusting."

"Well, he was going to gang up on me and bust a cap in my ass. I had to hire him."

Bomar gave House a look of pure hatred and disgust, all mixed together nicely and tied in pink ribbon.

"You know," House continued. "I always thought you'd _grow_ out of that." House couldn't help but smile as Bomar's face turned a dashing shade of lobster red. Bomar had always been sensitive about his height.

Bomar stood up and straightened his million-dollar suit. "The next time you see me, Nigger-lover, will be in court."

"I simply can't wait."

x x x x x

_After Thoughts_: I cannot stand Bomar. Just so we're all completely clear. He's everything I despise in a person. All he cares about is money, vanity, and being a racist pig. I can't think of a worse combination.

Sorry for the longer wait on this chapter. I had to redo a couple bits here and there. This is a real turning point of this story and I didn't want to make mistakes. I rewrote the baby part about fifteen different times and ways. I don't know if I'll ever be completely happy with it...

Thanks to all of my wonderful reviewers! As always, if you read... review.

Look forward to Chapter Six entitled:

_Areflexia_


	6. Areflexia

**Infertility Wars**

Disclaimer: Sometimes I wish I owned Hugh Laurie's brain. It's got to be more impressive than Einstein's. But, alas, I own nothing. Not nobody, not no one, not no how. And all that jazz.

x x x x x

Chapter Six

Areflexia

x x x x x

House was pouring himself a cup of coffee in his favorite red mug. He looked up to see Foreman walking in and sitting down at the table. House looked at his watch; Foreman was a little early today.

"What rules are you going to make me break today?" Foreman asked, out of nowhere.

House grabbed a spoon and stirred in some sugar. "I have no patients for you to go and poke, so maybe - hmm - maybe you can set off some fireworks in the parking lot."

Foreman snorted. "Child's play."

"We could play _Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas _all day," shrugged House. He blew at the top of his mug and then took a quick sip.

"I get to play first."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yeah-huh."

House was about to go 'Nuh-uh' again, but he caught sight of something. Something very strange.

"Or... you know," started House as he followed the sight. "We could make fun of Cameron."

"Don't we do that already?"

"We're going to be doing it a lot more." House turned around and moved towards his board as he heard the door open. He waited for Foreman's shocked gasp.

"Cameron?"

There it was.

"Do you like it?" Cameron's voice filled the room.

"It looks nice." Foreman stated, plainly. There was a pause, which House thought was Cameron giving Foreman one of her looks. "It's _really_ nice. I like it."

House figured it was his turn to turn around. He couldn't believe that Cameron had cut her beautiful long hair. It was short now. Cut into one of those bobbed styles. It was about an inch above her shoulders. It suited her well, but he preferred her with longer hair.

"So?" Cameron looked at House as she sat down beside Foreman.

House placed his mug carefully on the table. "It'll take some getting use to."

"You don't like it?"

"It suits you," said House. "But, it's weird."

"Oh," she said.

"Well, I like it," said Foreman.

"What are we doing today?" Cameron asked. She was a trooper, that was for sure. Kick her down and she'll fight her way back up to the top.

"Nothing," shrugged Foreman, as he leaned back in the chair.

Cameron's eyes widened. "Terri's been released?"

"Sure has." Foreman nodded. "Chase has been working with the nurses and prepping her to leave this morning."

Cameron nodded, "Well, it wasn't steroids."

"It wasn't Hantavirus either," said Foreman. "She wouldn't have gotten better that quickly if it had been that."

"So, she just got better?" Cameron asked.

"Like magic," said House as he joined them at the table. "Poof!"

"That's good-"

The door opened quickly, causing a slight whiff of air to ruffle some papers on the desk. Chase was standing at the door.

"Slow down Sally," said House, his eyes reading Chase's worried expression.

"Raye's been admitted back in!" Chase huffed, trying to catch his breath.

Foreman stood up, "What happened?"

"You couldn't page us to tell us the joyful news?" House asked, plainly.

Chase blinked, wondering who he should answer. "Well-"

"Or do you just enjoy dramatic entrances?" House took another sip of his coffee, stood up, and then made his way to his board.

"I was-"

"What are the new symptoms?" interrupted House.

"Areflexia," Chase said as he took a seat. "I've got the nurses readying her for an LP."

"What happened?" Foreman tried again as House was writing down everything on his damn board. He hated it when House butted in on conversations.

"Her husband was signing her out when she just fell down." Chase took in a breath. "I thought maybe she had just fainted or something, but she can't control her muscles. I checked her eyes and the pupils aren't dilating like they should."

"She might have Parkinson's?" Cameron asked.

"Or Tetanus," offered Foreman.

"It's amazing what one more symptom will do to the medical team. We'll come up with fifty brand-spanking new diseases for her." House said as he topped his marker. "It could just be severe spasticity or SMA."

"I thought Spinal Muscular Atrophy, myself." Chase said. "Especially when her pupils-"

"I figured that out with you setting her up for an LP, Doc C." House interrupted as he rolled his eyes. "I don't pay you to state the obvious. I pay you to think and give patients their LP's."

x x x x x

Diana Drew took the file out of the basket on the door. She flipped through it and opened the door.

"Hey, Mickey," she said. "How are ya?"

"Fine, I guess." The little boy said, looking up and watching Drew cross to the sink. She placed a large stuffed Stitch on the counter, then looked back at the boy. "Stitch!"

"And..." Drew pulled a disk out of her pocket. "I even got the movie."

"COOL!" The little boy gasped, then he started to cough. When his cough calmed down, he smiled at her. "Can you put it in?"

"Sure," she said as she handed him the stuffed animal. Drew, then, busied herself with the DVD player and finally got it to working, all the while talking about their favorite Disney movies. Drew always liked to bring movies from her DVD collection to work for the long-term patients. It made the time pass by quicker for the patient and it made the constant poking and prodding easier to stand. Mickey had been here for a long time, according to his chart, and she was sure that the constant finger pricking was getting old.

Right when she was about to prick his finger for some blood, a knock came at the door.

"Think it's my mommy?"

Drew shrugged. "Maybe."

The door opened and Wilson popped his head in. "Anyone need a consult?"

"No," Drew shook her head. "Wrong room."

Turning her attention back to Mickey, she was about to take some blood when she noticed that the door hadn't shut. She looked up at the boy who was looking at the door.

Drew rolled her eyes and turned around. "What?"

"It's important."

"Give me five minutes." Drew said as she stood up. She walked to the door and came face to face with him.

"Come see me in my office." Wilson said, then looked back at the boy holding on to the stuffed Stitch toy. "I like Stitch too, by the way."

x x x x x

"Okay," said Drew as she sat down in one of the chairs in Wilson's office. "What is it that is so important to pry me away from a patient?"

"I have a question."

"Just one?"

"Yeah, I-"

The phone rang and he sighed, then picked it up. Drew watched as he said, "Yeah" about ten times, then he finally hung up. He shook his head, then stood up and walked around the desk towards Drew.

"Sorry about that." He sighed, then tapped his fingers on the desk. "Anyway, I was hoping that maybe you would like to join me for dinner on Friday."

Drew stared at him for a second. "Business?"

"Yes and no."

"Give me a percentage."

"Of what?"

"Of how much business will be in this dinner."

"I would hope a very low percentage, Diana."

"Then, no." Drew said as she stood up. "I don't date in the work place."

"It's not a date."

"Then what is it?"

"Dinner."

"That's a date."

"If I let you pay your half, would you consider it not a date?"

Drew sighed. "Look, Jimmy, I like you. You're a nice guy. I'm just not into dating right now. I just moved here and all that. I'm not really looking-"

"Well, then, consider it your welcome to the area." He said. "I'm sure you haven't really had a decent welcome."

"No, I haven't."

"See?" Wilson crossed his arms, confidently. "I promise I won't do anything. A date between friends."

"Okay."

"What time's okay with you?"

"7:30? You going to pick me up?"

"If you want me to."

"Wilson, I-" Cuddy opened the door and saw the two of them and smiled. "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt."

"No, it's okay, I was just leaving," said Drew. She turned towards Wilson and held out her hand as if they had just been in a meeting. "I'll call your office later and give you more information, if you need."

Cuddy watched as Drew left, then turned towards Wilson.

"You need to leave her alone. If you scare her away, I'll make your stay here as miserable as I make House's." Cuddy said as she crossed her arms.

"I didn't-"

"Why do you think I interrupted?" Cuddy said. "I could hear you outside. I think you need to look into a quieter voice."

"Now I know why House calls you evil."

"And you are all my minions," she said with a smile. "Speaking of House, I'm going to need you to go question him about what happened in the Neo-Natal Unit."

"What? House was there?"

"You didn't know?"

Wilson leaned against his desk and laughed a little. "You know, he was grilling me about what happened down there. He must think he's in trouble..."

"He might be. You never really know with him."

Wilson nodded knowingly. "I guess I'll ask him about it at lunch."

"Good boy." Cuddy said as she turned to leave. "Sucks being on so many committees doesn't it?"

"No kidding."

x x x x x

House was fiddling with his marker and staring at the board in front of him. His ducklings were out doing their thing and he was in his office doing his. Biting on his lower lip he wrote down 'Areflexia.' He capped his marker and sat down, staring at all of the symptoms. Before he could even start to really think, a strange noise started coming from his FAX machine. Crossing the room, he watched as a sheet of paper slipped into the tray.

7/3/06

Dear Dr. Gregory House,

Here is the first court date, in which you need to appear:

7/27/06 -- Plainsboro Court House.

I can be reached during the day at (203) 555-1818, or in the evening at (203) 555-5067 if you have any questions regarding the above date.

Sincerely,

Hank Bomar, P.A.

"Well, that's quick and to the point." House said to no one, but himself. He crumbled the paper up and tossed it in the trash.

x x x x x

_After Thoughts:_ If you read, I like to hear what you think. So review. Thanks to all of my reviewers. Hearts.

Okay. Everybody go see _Dead Man's Chest_ because I said so. It rocks.

Look forward to Chapter Seven entitled:

Night at the Rock's Berry


End file.
